Monday, 6 May 2013

Blog Every Day In May - Day Six

Yes, alright, so I skipped day five. I'm sorry, ok!? I didn't like the topic and I was too sad and hungover and generally mean-spirited to write a love-post for anyone. Mostly I just wanted to eat my body weight in chocolate and rip out the eyeballs of every person that dared look at me funny. Needless to say I'm feeling better today, which leads me nicely to today's topic...

"If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question 'what do you do?'"

The answer to this one is quite simple really.

My best. I do my best.

I try my hardest, I give my everything. Sometimes that isn't enough - and that kills me. Sometimes things don't go my way, and that's hard. It's hard when things don't go your way anyway, but it's especially hard when you've thrown everything you have at it and it still doesn't work. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and it leaves you feeling wounded and insignificant and like nothing you do will ever be good enough. It leaves you feeling like you aren't enough.

Sometimes though, your best is enough. Sometimes throwing yourself into it is rewarded. Your efforts are acknowledged and praised, and you know that it was worth it. The hard work, the exhaustion, the hours of effort ploughed into a task or project, the fleeting bursts of resentment you felt at having to work so damn hard wither and die when confronted with a smile of gratitude, a word of thanks, some small gesture that lets you know what you did was noticed and appreciated. That it made a difference.

Does the good always outweigh the bad? No, not necessarily. I'm my own worst enemy, harshest critic, biggest saboteur. For me, the bad will always be far more potent than the good. That chest-crushing feeling of frustration and helplessness will always far outweigh the memories of jobs well done. I will always wonder why my best wasn't good enough. But I will also know that I gave it everything, that I threw all I had at it and that there was nothing else I could have done. I learn from the mistakes that I've made in the past, and I hope that one day my best will be better. And there's comfort to be taken from that

I do my best. It might not always be good enough, but it's what I always do.

With all my love,
Lauren x

1 comment:

  1. I don't have a blog so never, ever comment on other peoples, but I just wanted to drop you a little message to say that I love your blog, and even the idea of you writing every other day fills me with joy, so please carry on, even if it's not every day in May. You're doing really well so far :) and this one was my favourite, as someone who will always agree to do things (at this time the insanity workout (oh my god)), and then realise that even if I only partially stick to the plan, that is better than not at all.




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