I seem to be something of a fair-weather blogger recently (read: the whole time I've been blogging). I don't mean to be. In fact every day I promise myself I'm going to come home and blog something, anything, but it just never seems to happen. I think part of the problem is the fact that I've put myself in too much of a niche. I feel like I should only blog when I have something weight loss related to talk about, and the fact of the matter is at the moment I'm not losing weight. Ergo I feel like I have nothing of note to talk about. This becomes doubly problematic when I actually write for another blog that is specifically about weight loss. I feel like a bit of a fraud when all my fellow WAMK-ers are dropping the pounds and spending hours a day in the gym, and here I am all like 'I stayed the same this week.'
Because the reality of the matter is, I am staying the same. At the moment I'm hovering somewhere between 13st 7lbs and 14st (that number makes me feel sick), so about a stone to two stone above where I need to be and roughly where I've been at since my birthday in September. I saw 2013 in at 13st 12lb - the exact same weight I was when I saw in 2012. In late April I was 12st 9lbs - exactly 100lbs lighter than I was once upon a time. I lost over a stone very quickly in the first four months of 2012, and spent the following 8 months regaining it. Which is horrible, depressing, humiliating because I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that girl. I didn't ever want to be the girl that was all 'look at me, look at all the weight I've lost and how goddamn fabulous I am', only to get fat again. And yet, here I am.
And you'd think, you'd think that that would be enough. Enough for me to get my arse in gear and do something about it. But is it? Apparently not.
You see, half the problem is that I don't hate the way I look now. To some people 14st may sound huge - in fact even to me it sounds pretty damn up there - but what you have to remember is I'm 5'11. Even at almost 20st, I was only (!!) a size 20-22. At my current weight I'm a size 12-14. While I'm not as comfortable in a body con dress as I was a stone or so lighter, I don't dread getting ready to go out or find excuses not to go shopping like I did before. But that's not to say I'm happy with the way things are.
I know what you're all thinking. Anyone who gets their kit off on the internet for the world and his uncle to see has to have a fair amount of confidence, right? Well, yes and no. There's a whole world of difference between posing in front of a webcam and actually being in any state of undress in front of another real life person. Or being dressed in front of another real life person, for that matter. I can give it the big I-am and hide behind my laptop but much as I would like to live my entire life online, I do actually have to be a human being sometimes. I have to go out, I have to socialise, I have to (shock horror gasp) go on dates sometimes, all this I have to do with other human beings and while I'm not living in a constant fear of not fitting in a cinema seat or of having some other terrible fat person related incident, I'm not feeling my best. I'm not as confident or as happy in myself as I could be, or was even a few short months ago. With other things going on in my life right now (having a new job to name but one, as well as several others that are either unofficially embargoed or too sensitive for discussion on this blog at the moment), I really want to be feeling good in myself, and right now I just don't. And the thing is, its not even solely physical. Of course that plays a big part in it, but more than anything else its hating that feeling of not being able to control it. I hate feeling defined by what I can and can't eat - and the feelings of guilt that come with it. I'm a young women who is reasonably attractive and possesses a modicum of intelligence and wit - going for lunch should not be the cause of so much stress.
So what am I going to do about this?
I could sit here and type a load of babble about how good I'm going to be, about all the 5am runs I'm going to go on over the next few weeks, but the fact of the matter is I'm not going to get up at 5am to go running. Ever. And I'm not going to go when I get home either, as currently my home-time is anywhere between 7.30 and 9pm and the thought of having to do a full 9+ hours at work and then come home and workout is soul destroying. Although weirdly the thought of doing 9 hours at work and then going to the pub is totally ok. I'm not going to pass on going to the pub with colleagues and make a social hermit of myself, because that's not real life.
What I am going to do is admit that this is causing me a problem. I'm going to admit that I'm struggling with this. My resolution for 2013 was to be more honest - and that includes admitting that I'm not ok. When I was still at uni I was in a really good habit of 'fessing up when I had something that wasn't technically on the plan. Sometimes I would own up even before it had happened. I would text one of the girls and say 'Massively craving X' or 'Would kill for Y right now'. When I moved home I got out of that habit and I miss it. It kept me accountable and gave me a chance to stop and assess whether or not I actually wanted it. It gave them a chance to say 'think of weigh-in' or sometimes, quite simply, 'use your weeklies for it' and then that was that. Either I decided I didn't want it, or I had it and pointed it. Easy. Done. I need to get back to that. That will involve assaulting my friends with 'I want chocolate' texts approximately 18 times a day, but they're going to have to live with it. I know they have jobs and degrees to study for, but my chocolate intake is more important than that. Obviously.
I'm really not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have no groundbreaking revelations or promises to be made. I don't do 'not ok' very well - in fact I'd more or less go to the ends of the Earth before having any remotely difficult conversations. So you can understand that its hard for me to own up to this. I do a very good job of putting up a wall and hiding anything unpleasant behind it. The rest of the world thinks I'm fine, and in the meantime I drive myself insane thinking of the worst case scenario.
Did anyone else experience this? Did any of you guys lose your direction during your weight loss and struggle to get back on track? If anyone has any advice or motivation that you think might help then please comment or email me with suggestions - I want to hear what worked for you!
All my love,