Sunday, 3 February 2013

Struggling.

I seem to be something of a fair-weather blogger recently (read: the whole time I've been blogging). I don't mean to be. In fact every day I promise myself I'm going to come home and blog something, anything, but it just never seems to happen. I think part of the problem is the fact that I've put myself in too much of a niche. I feel like I should only blog when I have something weight loss related to talk about, and the fact of the matter is at the moment I'm not losing weight. Ergo I feel like I have nothing of note to talk about. This becomes doubly problematic when I actually write for another blog that is specifically about weight loss. I feel like a bit of a fraud when all my fellow WAMK-ers are dropping the pounds and spending hours a day in the gym, and here I am all like 'I stayed the same this week.'

Because the reality of the matter is, I am staying the same. At the moment I'm hovering somewhere between 13st 7lbs and 14st (that number makes me feel sick), so about a stone to two stone above where I need to be and roughly where I've been at since my birthday in September. I saw 2013 in at 13st 12lb - the exact same weight I was when I saw in 2012. In late April I was 12st 9lbs - exactly 100lbs lighter than I was once upon a time. I lost over a stone very quickly in the first four months of 2012, and spent the following 8 months regaining it. Which is horrible, depressing, humiliating because I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that girl. I didn't ever want to be the girl that was all 'look at me, look at all the weight I've lost and how goddamn fabulous I am', only to get fat again. And yet, here I am.

And you'd think, you'd think that that would be enough. Enough for me to get my arse in gear and do something about it. But is it? Apparently not.

You see, half the problem is that I don't hate the way I look now. To some people 14st may sound huge - in fact even to me it sounds pretty damn up there - but what you have to remember is I'm 5'11. Even at almost 20st, I was only (!!) a size 20-22. At my current weight I'm a size 12-14. While I'm not as comfortable in a body con dress as I was a stone or so lighter, I don't dread getting ready to go out or find excuses not to go shopping like I did before. But that's not to say I'm happy with the way things are.

I know what you're all thinking. Anyone who gets their kit off on the internet for the world and his uncle to see has to have a fair amount of confidence, right? Well, yes and no. There's a whole world of difference between posing in front of a webcam and actually being in any state of undress in front of another real life person. Or being dressed in front of another real life person, for that matter. I can give it the big I-am and hide behind my laptop but much as I would like to live my entire life online, I do actually have to be a human being sometimes. I have to go out, I have to socialise, I have to (shock horror gasp) go on dates sometimes, all this I have to do with other human beings and while I'm not living in a constant fear of not fitting in a cinema seat or of having some other terrible fat person related incident, I'm not feeling my best. I'm not as confident or as happy in myself as I could be, or was even a few short months ago. With other things going on in my life right now (having a new job to name but one, as well as several others that are either unofficially embargoed or too sensitive for discussion on this blog at the moment), I really want to be feeling good in myself, and right now I just don't. And the thing is, its not even solely physical. Of course that plays a big part in it, but more than anything else its hating that feeling of not being able to control it. I hate feeling defined by what I can and can't eat - and the feelings of guilt that come with it. I'm a young women who is reasonably attractive and possesses a modicum of intelligence and wit - going for lunch should not be the cause of so much stress.

So what am I going to do about this?

I could sit here and type a load of babble about how good I'm going to be, about all the 5am runs I'm going to go on over the next few weeks, but the fact of the matter is I'm not going to get up at 5am to go running. Ever. And I'm not going to go when I get home either, as currently my home-time is anywhere between 7.30 and 9pm and the thought of having to do a full 9+ hours at work and then come home and workout is soul destroying. Although weirdly the thought of doing 9 hours at work and then going to the pub is totally ok. I'm not going to pass on going to the pub with colleagues and make a social hermit of myself, because that's not real life.

What I am going to do is admit that this is causing me a problem. I'm going to admit that I'm struggling with this. My resolution for 2013 was to be more honest - and that includes admitting that I'm not ok. When I was still at uni I was in a really good habit of 'fessing up when I had something that wasn't technically on the plan. Sometimes I would own up even before it had happened. I would text one of the girls and say 'Massively craving X' or 'Would kill for Y right now'. When I moved home I got out of that habit and I miss it. It kept me accountable and gave me a chance to stop and assess whether or not I actually wanted it. It gave them a chance to say 'think of weigh-in' or sometimes, quite simply, 'use your weeklies for it' and then that was that. Either I decided I didn't want it, or I had it and pointed it. Easy. Done. I need to get back to that. That will involve assaulting my friends with 'I want chocolate' texts approximately 18 times a day, but they're going to have to live with it. I know they have jobs and degrees to study for, but my chocolate intake is more important than that. Obviously.

I'm really not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post. I have no groundbreaking revelations or promises to be made. I don't do 'not ok' very well - in fact I'd more or less go to the ends of the Earth before having any remotely difficult conversations. So you can understand that its hard for me to own up to this. I do a very good job of putting up a wall and hiding anything unpleasant behind it. The rest of the world thinks I'm fine, and in the meantime I drive myself insane thinking of the worst case scenario.

Did anyone else experience this? Did any of you guys lose your direction during your weight loss and struggle to get back on track? If anyone has any advice or motivation that you think might help then please comment or email me with suggestions - I want to hear what worked for you!

All my love,
Lauren xxx

12 comments:

  1. I experienced this when I was losing weight, almost a complete lack of interest in losing weight but knowing in the back of your mind you need/want to lose that last bit of weight. For me it was about getting too comfortable and finding it easier to stay where I was than to push through for the last bit of weightloss. I took a break from it (from thinking about it that is) booked a holiday and pushed myself to try new things, it worked and I regained my enthusiasm. A break from your everyday routine is sometimes all it takes to regain an enthusiasm for life and your goals. Good luck with it, being accountable is a very good idea!

    Janine xx
    BakeGlueandTrend
    Giveaway Post >>> bakeglueandtrend.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/love-dress-giveaway.html

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    1. Hi Janine! Thanks so much for your comment :) I've tried a step away from it this week and just tried not to go too mad (except over the weekend!) and I've lost 1lb. Not exactly a groundbreaking loss but its something and I feel like it was the little push I needed. I really want to find an exercise plan I like as when I'm exercising properly my eating seems to fall into place a lot more easily. Thanks again for your advice! :)

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  2. Going through exactly the same, I'm nowhere near to the same scale as you but I lost 1.5 stone since last June and have regained half a stone since November. I am also size 12-14 so not huge but definitely got weight to lose. I just can't motivate myself to keep losing, I find it so difficult to stay on track and it is so, so difficult to do when you work full time and area always so tired. If you do manage to overcome this please let me know how... it's not as if I don't WANT to lose weight and get thinner DESPERATELY, I just can't PUSH myself to because I'm still just about squeezing in to the size 12s, as you say....

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  3. This is exactly how I feel. It makes you feel rather helpless and completely self sabotaging. I probably don't have the best suggestions as I find myself in this situation a lot. I think a weight loss buddy helps - a friend to lose weight with, to constantly egg each other on and tell each other off when indulging too much? xxx

    Beth - Sans Souci

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  4. I think everyone goes through a stage in their weight loss journey where life gets the better of them. The fact that you are keeping going and havent put it all back on is an achievement in itself so dont give yourself such a hard time. Is it possible for you to go to a gym near work so you could go before you get the train home. Of course depending on what time you finish. Also make the most of your weekends and do some workouts then if you can. You'll find the right balance, I know you can do it, and you can always text/message me if you want when you feel like reaching for the chocolate bar, i'll probably be doing the same so we can convince each other not to. :) S xx

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  5. Bring on the texts baby! You are far more than moderately attractive and have a hell of a lot more than a modicum of intelligence. Hey, I'd stretch it so far as to say you have an iota! hehe love you, chin up sugar! xxx

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  6. I have lost my motivation so many times... the goal just seems seems to far away and it is so easy just to say " oh who gives a shit" but then I remember I do.. and the person I was is not who I want to be..for me it's easier to get back on the wagon as I am not happy with my figure. You have done so well with WW but I find it's not all about the points and allowances because at the end of it all of that is up to you mentally to stick to. Have you ever tried a self help book (I know, I know) I have read Paul McKenna's book a few times and it makes a really good point... "By choosing the healthier option YOU are choosing to be healthy, by choosing the unhealthy option YOU are choosing to stay unhealthy" Basically saying that everything you do is up to you and your choice. I always think about this when I know I am about to do something that isn't the right choice.

    You will get there, I think for all of us trying to lose weight it's a life time battle and we can never really relax! Sigh...

    XX

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  7. Hi - I've read this blog for a while now but not commented but I feel compelled to leave something. I've been dieting through Slimming World since 2009. My start weight was 19st 7lbs my lowest weight (which was early 2011) was 12st 13lbs. Very similar to you. After an awful year personally and professionally in '11 I piled 3 stone back on and finally re joined group this year weighing 16 stone. The awful truth is you either accept that this will be a lifelong thing or you decide life's too short, eat what you want and put weight on. It happened to me, sneaky lb by sneaky lb and it'll happen to you too unless you pull it back now. I'm motivated now to push on but I've set myself back and wish more than anything I hadn't - the feeling of packing up half my clothes because I couldn't fit into them anymore is not one I wish to repeat and I don't want that for you either.
    I hope you find what works, maybe a change of plan? (I can't recommend slimming world enough)
    And I hope I dont come across all doom and gloom but as someone who's been there - its better make the effort now than suffer six months in the future x

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  8. Hi, I found your blog through wherearemyknees, which I love! It's so inspiring to read others stories and keeps me motivated to lose my weight.
    I struggled with my weight, so I joined Weightwatchers in 2011 just after my 21st birthday in November, and since then I've lost 3 stone, which is a lot in a long time, BUT I have found weightwatchers the best diet to stick too, because it doesn't restrict what foods I can eat. I would recommend this diet, if you're not on it already :) At the moment, I'm in a rough patch, I got to my target weight of 9st7 and I've stayed the same for months and months. WHICH, people say is really good, but I find very frustrating, especially when you're my height, you still look stumpy!
    My best advice, would be to remind yourself that you are on a diet, and that even if you have off days, you should not leave that diet mentality. I find that if you tell yourself "oops, I've had a terrible week of food,I've ruined my diet," than you have well and truly ruined that diet, it just encourages you to eat worse. If you tell yourself, "I've had a terrible week of food, but today I'm going to be good," "Or that was the past, today is now," it works really well to keep on track because in your mindset you're still on the diet.

    I also think it's good to remember that everyone has good days and bad days, good months and bad months and even good years and bad years. You must look at how far you've already come and see that as a MASSIVE achievement!

    Alexandra

    http://snippets-scribbles.blogspot.co.uk/ xx

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  9. Oh hun, I know the feeling and I'm sorry you're at this lull. Im actually in a similar rut right now, and I don't know whether or not to attribute it to just poor behaviour and apathy (or something like being lazy) -- or if I could blame others for it (e.g. busy, tired, etc). It's been an issue since September, and it's an issue that's reflected in my own lack of blog posts. I get what you mean -- working a full work day, being a working girl, and then trying to balance your health (i.e. the you that you want to be) with your life (i.e. the you that is socially expected) is hard. But my question is why do they have to be seen as separate things? I'm trying to get past that. I write off so many gym days and healthy food days to have lunch with friends, go to shows, etc etc etc. And is it self sabotage? What part of you wants the set back? I'm sorry I don't have much to offer in terms of advice, as I'm in a similar position, but I appreciate you writing it out and being honest about it and not trying to make large claims or promises on how you'll fix it ASAP. Trying to get to the root of why your pace has suddenly changed might be more helpful than making false promises. Currently, I'm just trying to channel all my negative emotions into gym hours ha ha, and then not trying so desperately to count al the food I eat (it just makes me more anxious if I go over). So one thing at a time. First the gym, then I'll slowly limit the foot to a more healthy range. If you find anything that helps you get out of this rut, let me know! Until then -- just keep trucking.

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  10. This post sums the last 6 months of my life up perfectly!! I was 3 lbs away from goal and i got lazy.. i've now put up about 20 pounds and I know I have to cop on and lose it but do you think I can?! nope! Glad to see that I'm not the only one who struggles like this!
    Thanks for being so honest! :)
    @Kirsty_Bowers

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  11. Hey! I've been reading your blog for a little while now, not quite sure how I came across it. I'm also a University of Kent graduate, I think it was through that! I piled on around 3 or 4 stone whilst doing my undergrad and now I'm at a different uni doing my masters. I decided to finally start shifting the undergrad weight in October. Your blog helped me get back into losing weight after Christmas. It's a massive inspiration and I'm really glad you make posts like this one as it helps the rest of us accept the bad weeks! It's so hard to keep up a social life and work/uni whilst trying to lose weight. Don't give up! I'm currently hovering around the one stone weight loss mark, keep going one pound above and below it. Still need to lose around two and a half stone to reach my goal. So keep blogging and keep trying, you help to keep the rest of us in check! Your meal ideas and general attitude have completely changed the way I approach weight-loss. So there may be set-backs, but you've helped countless people move towards a healthier lifestyle. You should be proud!

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I love all your comments, so please let me know what you think!