Food is constantly on my mind. It dominates at least 70% of the space in my head, probably because I have to plan so much of my life around it. In truth I think about food far more now than I ever did before Weight Watchers, when I was eating up to four times the amount that I should have been. Food was just a given then - I took it for granted. No thought or planning went into what I was going to eat, which is probably why I ended up eating so badly and thus piling on the lbs.
Life isn't like that for me now. I can't take food for granted. Every meal, every snack, has to be meticulously planned, or else I risk falling off track. On a normal day-to-day basis, that doesn't pose much of an issue. Either I'm at work or at uni, with a packed lunch and lots of fruit in my bag, or I'm at home and doing these that keep my mind - and more importantly my hands - out of the biscuit tin.
This all goes rapidly out of the window when I'm on an academic deadline. At the moment, its exams.
I have two exams this year - the 9th and 14th of May, worth 50% of the modules for my final and therefore most important year of university. I should be revising like a bad man, yes? No. I am revising, but in truth I have no real drive or urgency about it. The fear hasn't struck me yet, and until it does I'm powerless to the distractions of YouTube and GorillaVid. And Blogger...obviously. And until the fear strikes me, I'm sat at a desk inside all day, on my own, staring at a computer screen/book and being painfully aware of the packet of chocolate buttons that are 10 ft away in my kitchen cabinet.
Because lets be honest...revision and snacking. They just go hand in hand don't they? The term 'revision munchies' has such a lovely ring to it. It might even be better than 'essay snacklets', which is my friend Emma's favourite turn of phrase during the lead-up to an essay deadline. When you're sat a desk all day, re-reading Ulysses and Mrs Dalloway and trawling through critical articles to find something, anything, that is going to make the last few months of your academic life suddenly click into place and make perfect sense, you need something tasty on hand to stave off the boredom/depression/desperation/all of the above. And that is absolutely fine - except when you're a Weight Watcher and you have 12.5 measly effing lbs to go until you're at your goal weight and you are painfully aware that these last few lbs are going to be the hardest out of the whole 100+ to get rid of AND YET YOU STILL CAN'T STOP FUCKING EATING.
I knew this would happen...I was prepared for this. I went shopping with my step-mum on Saturday, and spent £45 on a trolley full of brightly coloured fresh produce and healthy stuff for breakfasts, lunches and dinners. What I forgot to get were 'snacks'. I am now back in Canterbury, so when my housemate asked if I wanted to go to Asda I of course went along, with the intention of buying lots of healthy snacks to see me through the long dark days of revision. And what did I come out with? £10 worth of crap. Crisps, chocolate, biscuits. And absolutely nothing of any nutritional value except some yogurts. I don't know how it happened! I just walked out with a bag full of (yummy) processed rubbish. It is literally all sugar and fat. And I know that I shouldn't be eating it - but has that stopped me?! Don't be ridiculous. I ate almost all of an entire big bag of Kettle Chips before we even got home. It was my own fault for leaving it so long to have lunch and thus letting myself get too hungry, but that doesn't excuse it. Nor does it excuse the loaf of ciabatta bread that I shared with Mark, the mini-Quiche (admittedly a Weight Watchers one so it could have been worse) or the three chocolate hobnobs I ate when I got home.
I am so fat and disgusting.
It was at the point that I started contemplating a fourth and fifth hobnob that I knew I had to come on here and confess my sins! The damage for this afternoon is done, but that doesn't mean I can't repair some of it. I know what I have to do - I have to accept the fact that I'm going to want to snack on unhealthy stuff over the next couple of weeks. I can accept that, and I can do it. Nobody on Weight Watchers has ever said 'I can't have that' (and if they have, they're idiots, because you CAN), and I am not about to start now. I haven't had a good few days foodwise anyway, so I'm prepared for a gain. Bring it on. I've lost 100lbs, you think gaining a couple of them back is going to phase me? Think again. I know full well that I can't be point-perfect all the time. I'm not a machine - sometimes I'm going to give in to temptation. This is going to be one of those times. If I want some chocolate or some crisps while I'm revising, then I will damn well have some. But what I don't have to do is throw reason out of the window and eat myself silly for no good reason. The food is bought now, its in the house. Done. Temptation is already here. That is not something that I allow to happen too often - for the most part the worst thing in my cupboards are Weight Watchers chocolate bars. The thing is, I have to accept the fact that that is not always going to be the case. I'm not always going to be in an environment that I can control. Next year I will be living at home - either at mum's or dad's. To a certain extent that is fine, because both my mum and step-mum are Weight Watchers as well. But there are always going to be chocolates and crisps in the house, because my dad, step-dad, brothers and sister sure as hell aren't! I'm going to have to learn to control myself when there are things in the house that might throw me off track - and now is as good a place as any to start. There's chocolate in the house - does that mean I have to eat all of it in one sitting? No. No it does not.
To all you students out there who might also be struggling with the revision munchies - first of all, good luck for your exams! And second of all, don't be afraid to have a little treat every now and then. An extra few ProPoints or syns, counted and tracked, over the day is a hell of a lot better than depriving yourself altogether and potentially losing control at the first sight of temptation.
Have a good week everyone!
Lots of love,