The above was published in a comment on yesterdays post from one of my best friends Nicole - who happens to also be one of my Weight Watchers buddies who I'm struggling so much without. Her words put a lot of things in perspective for me (as did all the other comments, tweets and emails I've received - you guys blow my f***ing mind time and time again) and I've realised that I've been being far too hard on myself. A lot has changed over the last few weeks and months. Not only moving back home but also starting a new job and all the issues that come along with that, like subsidized goodies in the office cafe and restaurant. 55p for a chocolate muffin and yet a fruit cup is £1.91 - how the hell does that work!? On top of the stress that comes with that there's been plenty of other stuff going on as well - boy troubles, money woes. You know, REAL LIFE. This shit happens, and I'm not the first person to go through it, nor will I be the last. Hell, I'm sure - no, I know - that there are plenty of people out there who are going through upheaval thats a hell of a lot worse than mine. If I get myself in this much of a state over leaving university what am I going to be like when I'm getting married or buying my own house or having a baby!? It doesn't bear thinking about. Luckily there is no chance of me doing any of those things within the next six or seven years so I have some time to figure it out.
The point I'm trying to make here is that I'm not perfect. In terms of my life, my world, my weight loss is extremely high profile. Its on this blog, its on Where Are My Knees?, its on facebook and twitter. It was even in The Sun! I've been contacted directly by Weight Watchers PR representatives and health and fitness blogs asking me to share my story. I'm not saying that I get stopped on the street, but the people who are in my life know about my weight loss. So at the times that I'm not doing so well I feel like COLOSSAL failure. Which is ridiculous, because I'm not. I know I'm not. I lost 7st 2lbs during two years and five months at university - thats 100lbs. And yes, in the last few months I've gained around a stone of that back.
I'm still over 6st lighter than I used to be, and I still have every intention of getting to my goal weight. I haven't given up - not by a long shot. This isn't a failure on my part. Its merely a blip - a bump in the road that I'm going to be travelling down for the rest of my life. I can't expect myself to be perfect every single day for the rest of time just because I believe that other people expect it of me - because the thing is, they don't. Every person who responded to yesterdays post said the same thing. They pointed out how far I've come from the Fat Lauren of 2009, how much I've achieved, and what a difficult time this transition period can be. If the response to yesterdays post has done anything, its reminded me that I'm still just a normal twenty-something girl, and that I need to stop setting myself superhuman targets. The disappointment that I feel at not achieving them is a large part of what drives me to sabotage myself food and exercise wise.
I started afresh today - like I have so many other times. Like I will every time I mess up and fall off the wagon. I've had a crap few months and I've regained some weight. I wouldn't want to bore you all with an easy ride anyway, so its probably a good thing. This is the hardest part of losing weight that I've experienced since I stepped onto the scales at 10am on Saturday 23rd of January 2010 - but then I said that when I started my second year at university, and when I changed to ProPoints, and when I hit the 15st mark and the damned scales just refused to drop any lower. I got through all those times, and I'll get through this one as well.
Fat Lauren of 2009 might have won a few battles recently, but Skinny Lauren just launched a counter-attack. The fact that I'm still here means that I'm still winning the war, and I'm not about surrender. I did not spend two years at university boozing, eating junk food and still losing weight just to be thwarted by my mother's portion sizes and my own neuroses. If it takes another two and half years to get to goal, then thats how long it takes. It doesn't matter really - once I'm there I'll be there for life, so I might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Screw you Lauren of 2009. I'm coming for you. You better be ready.
With love, as ever,