Monday, 20 February 2012

Executive Decisions.

One of my favourite things about being a student is being almost entirely autonomous. For me, like most other students, University was my first time out of the parental home. It was the first time that I was responsible for myself - from paying the bills to putting food in the fridge. I've always been a fairly responsible and independent person anyway, so even when I was living at home it wasn't like I was under lock and key. For some reason though, its just not the same as actually living on your own. Even now, when I go home for the holidays, I feel like I have to report to my parents. How crazy is that!? I live on my own for nine months of the year, but as soon as a set foot in either my mother or fathers house I feel like I'm treading on eggshells and have to report my every move to somebody and ask if I can use the last of the milk...weird.

Anyway, my point is - I like living on my own. I like having my own space and being in charge of myself. When I was having a really rough time in my second year of university, it wasn't the thought of wasting two years of my life and racking up £20,000 of debt for nothing that stopped me from dropping out. It was the thought of not having my own house anymore. 

Having my own space, however, does have its downsides. One of them was my initial reaction to being in charge of my every meal. ('I can't be bothered to cook, lets get take-out.') There is no way that I would have gained so much weight so quickly had I still been living at home with people to keep a check on me. But I also wouldn't be obsessing about every last point, every last gram of cereal, every last ml of milk, the way I am now. In this instance, having someone else in charge would make my life so much easier.

I can 100% put this down to having gained for the last two weeks. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I don't mind putting on weight if I deserve it. If I've been out on the piss, eating shit and sitting on my arse all week, then a couple of lbs on is fine with me. That is the price you pay for being a lazy, greedy, vodka swilling liability. But for the last fortnight I was none of these things. And I still put on.

Last Wednesday I said to myself that I wasn't going to get upset, that I was going to regroup and plough on and everything would be fine. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, and instead I've found myself obsessing for the last five days over every single little thing. Not only am I fully aware that that is not healthy, it is also not me. Out of the plethora of things that I obsess about on a day to day basis, food is not one of them. One of the joys of Weight Watchers is that it doesn't have to be. If I want some chocolate, then chocolate is what I will have. Or crisps. Or a McDonalds. As long as its pointed, its fine. But his week hasn't been like that, to the point that last night I felt such extreme guilt at eating some toast that I spent half the night laying awake worrying about it, even though - and I can't stress this enough - I was still under my points!!

I KNOW, RIGHT!? What is that all about!?

So this morning, after obsessing for hours, I made an executive decision. No ProPoints for the next two days. That doesn't mean I can go absolutely crazy and inhale everything in sight - what it does mean is that I'm not going to point or track either today or tomorrow. As of Wednesday morning, its a whole new Weight Watchers week and I will be back to tracking, but for now I need a break. I need to not obsess about saturated fat content and how many minutes on the treadmill it will take me to burn off a banana. I need to not feel guilty every time I get hungry. I won't be eating any differently to how I would on any other normal day, I just won't be checking off the points as I go. I need a break from worrying about it - because it doesn't get me anywhere. It just makes me anxious. And when I'm anxious, I eat. 

As soon as I made the decision this morning, I felt better. I haven't gone completely insane and eaten an entire cow today (yet), but I feel so much more relaxed about it. I'm not stressing about what I can have for dinner. And if I want a Dairy Milk for dessert, then I'll damn well have one. I have been doing Weight Watchers for a very long time now, and I will be doing it for a long time yet, but under no circumstances will I become a person who allows their life to be dictated by what they can and can't eat or drink. There is always a danger of taking things too far when you follow a plan like Weight Watchers, and I always swore that I wasn't going to be one of those people. The last five days has taught me that being obsessed with food from a weight loss point of view is just as unhealthy as being obsessed with shovelling as much food into ones body as is humanly  possible. I don't want to be either of those things. Sometimes its ok to have a day off from points.

As per, apologies for the wordy and rambly post. I promise one day I will have a coherent post with some pretty pictures for you - unfortunately today is not that day!

Much love to everyone, I hope you all had a fantastic week!

Lauren xx

2 comments:

  1. Love your blog, and its not rambly i know exactly what you mean!! Just stick to your plan and listen to your body, congrats on all that lovely weight loss so far :)

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  2. I think a couple of days not pointing is a brilliant idea. I also completely agree with you that seemingly polar attitudes towards food are more similar than people realise. On a daily basis it strikes me how similar
    Both extremes I have been through are, and confuses me how i
    Can have both attitudes toward eating and my body at once!! Well done you for realising you were being rather obsessive and crazy lady ish!

    Also thanks for you lovely comment :-) I like the Johnny quote especially! And rowlings! As to you - you are equally funny, strong, determined, beautiful, intelligent, and a freaking legend to put up with me! A wonderful and irreplaceable friend ❤

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