Monday, 12 December 2011

Often, in times of particular stress or emotional upheaval, I find myself withdrawing - pulling back into myself and away from other people. My family assure me that this is normal, that it is how I've always been and probably always will be. I'm not a social person by nature - for the most part human companionship is not something that I require. I enjoy socialising with friends and family, but I'm also perfectly comfortable alone. With this in mind, perhaps its not surprising that I withdraw into myself when I'm stressed or unsettled - its where I'm most comfortable and at peace.

At the moment, there are things going on that I can scarecely find the energy to really think about, never mind talk or write about. Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to share them on here. Unfortunately this blog is no longer a place where I can express myself without fear of judgement. It has made it difficult to blog about anything at all recently - hence my extended absence, for which I apologise. I guess because these things take up so much room in my head, they become inextricably linked with everything else. To write about one aspect of my life without mentioning the things that seem to be defining and dictating my every thought and movement feels like a lie - and I would rather be silent than lie, especially on here.

I'm still here though. I'm still checking in on everybody and I'm still fighting the Weight Watchers corner - although somehow it feels a little different now. I've always said that Weight Watchers is something that I'm doing for myself, and only myself. With everything else that is going on, its beginning to feel like this is not just for my benefit anymore. I know that this needs to change. I want to get to goal and feel ecstatic at my own achievement, not devastated because my success hasn't had the desired effect on other people. I've never really been an achiever - I've never done anything noteworthy in my life. This is the only thing that I've ever done that matters - even if it only realy matters to me. Somehow I need to find a way to protect that - a way to cordon off this little part of myself from the messy and complicated parts of my life. I''m not sure how I'm going to go about doing this, but I hope I can. It would be a shame to let the one part of my life that I can control become tainted by those parts that I can't.

I'm sorry for rambling on at you for all this time, but after going AWOL for so long I felt like you needed a slightly better explanation that 'I've been busy' (even though I actually have). I made a commitment to be honest on here, and as the saying goes 'you're only as good as your word'. There are certain commitments that I'm not willing to break, and certain people that I'm not willing to let down.

So yeah...just know that I'm still about - I haven't gone anywhere. Please bear with me and hopefully things will soon return to business as usual!

Lauren xx

2 comments:

  1. lauren this is what i do too! and i've been doing it recently, i think we're bizarrely in sync. i withdraw but do it in odd ways, so i surround myself with people i'm not as close with and can pretend things are ok if that makes sense? i know that neither of us finds talking the easiest thing when we feel like this, but this blog post has made me think maybe we should have a good old chinwag over the next few days and get some stuff out of our systems? i'm here if you need via fb/twitter(which is a bit too public ha)/text/phone.
    love you oodles xxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Its like I wrote this post myself. Beyond a close number of friends, who I love being with, I'm not a fan of socialising. Things have become busy and complicated lately, and I've been wallowing in spending time with myself. I also agree that its not a bad thing, its what I've always done, and I'l always let the important people to me in to my head regardless, and I think that's what matters. Unfortunately that means that my little blog has suffered, , but I guess it has to happen if I am to keep myself sane!

    ReplyDelete

I love all your comments, so please let me know what you think!