I’ve been feeling really rubbish today, and people keep asking me ‘why?’ I don’t know how to explain to them that I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m in a bad mood, or why I’ve got no energy, or why everything just seems so much worse than it did yesterday. I tell them I’m having a bad day, and they ask me ‘what happened?’, or ‘what’s wrong?’ I don’t know how to tell them that nothing happened. I don’t know how to tell them that the only thing wrong is me. They think I’m being over-dramatic and that I’m whinging for attention. Sometimes I feel like being sarcastic and telling them that I’m brain-damaged...because I am. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, so that must mean I’m brain-damaged? Maybe it’s just me that’s damaged...I wouldn’t rule it out.
I don’t tell them that though, as much as I’d like to sometimes. I lie to them instead. I tell them I’m hormonal, or that I’m just tired. ‘I’m bored’ or ‘I’m stressed’ always work as well. They give me advice then, on how to make myself feel better. Have a bath, go for a walk, take a nap, watch a film, read a book, have a cup of tea. All these things that they think will fix me...they won’t. They don’t understand what the world looks like on days like today, they don’t understand how I feel. Everything is grey, and food has no taste. I can’t escape into a book or film...the come-down is too hard. I can’t get warm, my hands feel numb, and everything and everyone seems so very far away. There’s nobody here beside me to hold my hand and tell me it’s ok. There’s nobody there to pull me back from the precipice that I’m standing on. Where is everyone?
It’s my job to be strong – that’s always been who I am. Dependable. Reliable. I’m here for everyone else. I’m a daughter and a sister and a granddaughter and a niece and a cousin and an employee. Most importantly I’m a friend. I’m there for all of them...I love being there for all of them. They’re just not there for me. It’s not their fault though, I don’t blame them. People don’t know how to be there for me. I don’t know how to let them be there for me either. If I tell them how I feel it means I’ve failed. If I tell them about these cold, grey, lonely days then they’ll see how weak I am. It’s my job to be strong and to be there for them. I help them deal with their problems, the big ones and the little ones. Which dress to wear, which shirt to buy, what reply to text back, which job to take, what books to revise, what diet to choose. How to act and who to be. All these problems I help solve. All these people I help shape, all these people that help shape me. For every problem I solve I get further from solving my own. For every outfit I choose and text I help compose my role is more cemented. I’m trapped in concrete casing made of all the people I’ve helped. It just keeps getting harder to admit that I need help as well.
Even if I wasn’t so trapped...there’s nothing I could say. ‘I’m feeling really down today. There’s no particular reason. I don’t have any problems. But I need your help all the same.’ It just sounds so ridiculous, they’ll think I’m making it up. I know I’ve got no reason to be depressed. I know how lucky I am. But that doesn’t stop this creeping feeling I’ve got all over my skin. Its like a thousand hands are grabbing me. They’re trying to pull me back down to that pit. How can I voice that to anyone? They’ll think I’m going mad. Maybe I am. Maybe I always was.
These are the days that scare me most, the ones that come from nowhere. I was happy yesterday, I was content. I felt safe and secure. I felt loved. Today I’m all alone and I don’t know what changed. I feel like I’m being punished for being happy before. If I never do anything to be happy again then I never have to have one of these days. But I’m not willing to sacrifice the highs in order to escape the lows. So for now I’ll battle on. I’ll be the person they need me to be, even when the days are cold and grey. I just wish I didn’t have to battle on my own. I wish there was somebody there to help.
Where is everybody?