Ok, so after my rather lethargic and miserable post on Sunday, I am now feeling slightly more upbeat. Slightly. The essay that I was putting off at the time got finished and handed in on Monday afternoon (we won't talk about the fact that I'm now writing this post because I have another one due in next Monday that I don't want to do) and as soon as it was in the English office I felt so much better. The sensation that something was crushing my chest eased up and I felt far more optimistic, a feeling that I managed to maintain all of Tuesday and that was compunded by weighing in Wednesday morning with a 2.5lb loss - yay! Honestly, after the fortnight I'd had I was fully expecting a gain in the region of 5lb. I actually did a double-take. Like a full-on, comedy, Carry On film double take. The other ladies there were very amused.
Almost as amused as my friends were by this:
I get the privelege of wearing this little beauty every Wednesday morning because I help out at the meetings. In fact what I actually do is weigh people, meaning I've now got a much broader insight into the whole issue. There are people there who weigh nothing near what I'd expect them to weigh. Some people are much heavier than I would expect them to be judging on how they look, and some people are much lighter. This revelation got me thinking about things and has made me realise that people get too caught up on the numbers when in reality what the scales say rarely dictate what size you or how you look are physically. When I tell (a select few) people how much I weighed at my heaviest and how much I weigh now, I get genuine shock from most of them because they would have have dreamed it was that much (Yes, I was heavy enough to cause shock. That should give a fair indication of the state I was in.) So while I have a rough idea of the number I'd like to see on the scales, I know getting there isn't the be-all and end all. If I get to the point where I'm a stone above that, but I like how I look, then thats where I'll stay. Likewise if I get there and want to lose more then I'll carry on. (I'm talking well in advance here, because lets be honest, I'm getting nowhere fast.)
Another thing thats got me pondering this week is relationships and our ideas about them. Our relationship with the idea of relationships, if you will. A lot of people my age seem to be obsessed with the idea of relationships. People seem to want to be in one just for the sake of being able to say that they are, which I find a) pathetic and b) ridiculous. Let me make myself clear - I am not in any way, shape or form saying that I don't want a relationship. I do. Everyone does (although I'll be the first one to admit that the idea of being in a relationship terrifies me - if you'd met my ex, you'd understand). But I can't think of anything worse than being in a relationship just for the sake of being able to introduce somebody as 'my boyfriend'. Surely we should be content enough in ourselves to not need that? I'm by no means an expert, with my one semi-serious disaster and my subsequent string of 'we're just seeing eachother's. Nor do I pretend that I've got guys banging down my door to ask me to be in a relationship with them, because that's simply not the case (Fat chick, remember?). But even if that was the case, it takes something more than that. To me being in a relationship is about having a connection with somebody. Its not about your relationship status on facebook or the fact that 'all your friends are in one', its about how you and that other person feel about eachother. You can't just go to a bar/club/pub or wherever else and simply choose somebody from a shelf with whom to share the most intimate parts of your life, not to mention your body. Relationships aren't just based on seeing something you like, although of course that is a huge part of it. They're about chemistry, respect, attraction, communication, trust. You have to trust somebody else with your own happiness. And you yourself have to be responsible for theirs. Its a big ask if you're only with someone because all your friends are doing it, or if you're just in it to get laid, and it just ends in someone getting hurt. Not only that, but it undermines the sanctity of all the people out there who are in real, caring relationships and the people who want to be.
I feel after all that profound insight I should have some kind of comical sign-off. Any Glee fans will understand when I say that I'm looking for something along the lines of 'That's how Sue C's it', however I have nothing as fun and original as that. I promise to work on it though!
For now I must go and prepare myself for an evening of Wetherspoons Curry Club frolics with my lovely future housemates&co.
Love to you all :) xxxx