Sunday, 7 November 2010

Drama Drama Drama

Two posts in two days, aren't you guys luckkkky??

As usual, I'm here to vent because I'm aggravated. And also a bit tipsy.

Firstly, I'm annoyed at the universe, because I don't think its fair that I've already lost an uncle to CF and two grandads to cancer. I don't see my I should have to have another grandparent going into hospital to have a basal cell carcenoma removed. I know its not life-threatening but I don't see why it needs to happen. Ever. To anyone. Its not fair.

I also don't see why its fair that I'm going to have to go through another, inevitably messy, separation. Looks like one half of my four-person parenting team has called it a day. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be far more implicated this time than I was last time (I mean, I was 9, for crying out loud, I didn't have a clue what was going on.) Its going to be stressful and upsetting for everyone, and as the oldest of the four of us it falls to me to make sure the other three are ok. Not that I mind doing it, but why should I have to? Plus, they could not have picked a more inconvenient time. One child doing GCSE's, two doing A-Levels, and one half way through a degree? What timing!

I'm also aggravated with myself, because I've used essays as an excuse to stuff my face all week. 'I haven't got time to cook' is such a convenient excuse, and I can see myself falling back into the old trap. Every day I've said 'tomorrow will be better' and every day its exactly the same. Chocolate, crisps, wine, blahhhhhhhh. So unnecessary and it needs to stop before I end up back where I started. I'm so sick of feeling miserable and self-conscious all the time and it damages all the people around me as well because it turns me into an arsehole. I know I've only got myself to blame, which just makes it even more annoying.
It needs to stop!

I'm now home, in Essex, with mum, which is always tricky weight watcher wise. I've had a quick scout (well, hobble, bloody ankle!) round the kitchen and there's nothing too dangerous in there so I'm hoping to stick to low-points throughout the day and then just have a sensible dinner with the family in the evening. Except Wednesday, because I'm going to Pizza Express. And Friday, because we're going for a curry. My palate will thank me. My BMI probably won't.

The other reason I'm annoyed at myself is because I need to stop thinking the worst of people. Old habits die hard and I'm used to always being the butt of the joke (especially where some people are concerned) so now every time something is said I assume its at my expense when its probably not. Its definitely something I need to work on and I feel bad for upsetting people now by jumping to conclusions. Especially people who don't deserve it.

And I'm annoyed at myself because I've wasted the whole weekend doing no essay work as well. Eurgh.

So, I've now decided to set myself a few goals for the week.

  • Eat sensibly. Even if I'm not tracking it all, doesn't mean I can put whatever I want in my mouth.
  • Drink more water.
  • Get into a decent routine with essay work. By this time tomorrow I will have a good, solid essay plan, and by this time Tuesday I'll have at least 500 words done.
  • Be nice. Its something small but I've got a feeling it could be the most important one.
I've also need to cheer up sharpish because its not like I haven't got plenty to look forward to in the next few weeks. We're having a house-party at the end of November and an Ann Summers party first weekend in December which (all being well) should both be really good nights :)

I'm off to chill with a glass of red and a good book now, I have a feeling I'm too riled up to go to sleep just yet!

Lauren xxx

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